Valentine’s Day is coming up, and whether you’re miserable about being single or anxious about not pissing off your significant other with a bad display of affection, there are few better ways to spend the day than watching a film. And rather than go down the romantic route with our staff feature for the month, we decided to take a more cynical approach to Valentine’s Day. We asked our writers a simple question: “What’s the worst possible movie you could watch on Valentine’s Day?”

Below are our 14 picks, which range from legitimately bad attempts at romance to films so tragic and heartbreaking that watching them on a day dedicated to love makes it all the more painful. Let us know what you think of our selections, and be sure to tell us what you think people should steer clear of come the 14th.

14 Worst Films to Watch on Valentine’s Day

6 Years

Hannah Fidell’s 6 Years takes a much more realistic approach to the typical young love story. Set six years after a young couple started dating, the film chronicles Mel (Taissa Farmiga) and Dan’s (Ben Rosenfield) first significant rough patch when post-college opportunities begin to drag them in opposite directions. Naturalistic performances from Farmiga and Rosenfield make the characters of Mel and Dan come to life, and their trials and tribulations are even more tragically relatable as a result. As Mel and Dan take into account what they truly want out of life, it’s virtually impossible not to see the parallels in your own life. Even if your relationship is on the up and up, the film cuts excruciatingly deep; it’s the kind of film that will cause you to question your own relationship. Similarly, if you’re still playing the field, there are enough cute moments in 6 Years to remind you of just how single you are—and that your chance of finding “the one” is getting slimmer with every passing day. It’s a wonderful film, thick with emotion, but there are few surefire ways to ruin a Valentine’s Day than by giving this movie a spin. [Blair]

50 First Dates

This isn’t an obvious one to stay away from, what with it being a bonafide romantic comedy, so consider this a public service announcement to steer clear. The cute premise may make you think this is an acceptable option for Valentine’s Day: a womanizing veterinarian, Henry (played by Adam Sandler), meets Lucy (Drew Barrymore) in a diner. She agrees to see him again the next day in the same spot but come tomorrow she has no recollection of ever having met him. Turns out this cutie has short-term amnesia and her horrible family has been pretending it’s the same day for a year, making her none the wiser to her mental condition. Henry decides to date her anyway—weird—and eventually, her family loops her in on her mental condition. The film ends with Lucy waking up one morning to watch a video explaining that she and Henry are married and have a daughter. Where to begin? First, there’s the uncertain continuous consent in a relationship where one person has to simply accept the word of the other because they’re incapable of truly understanding what they have agreed to on a daily basis. Then, there’s the uber creepy prospect of a man who would be attracted to a woman who could never form a sincere bond with him or have shared memories. Talk about getting to play the ultimate puppeteer. In fact, almost this exact premise has been used in the psychological thriller Before I Go to Sleep with Nicole Kidman, who plays a woman with short-term memory loss who thinks her husband may be lying to her about their past. Putting aside that, as far as romantic comedies go, this one isn’t even entertaining, please have more respect for love and the sanctity of relationships this Valentine’s Day to even consider watching this truly disturbing film. [Ananda]

Away From Her

Sarah Polley has only directed three films to date, but she’s quickly established herself as a filmmaker interested in exploring how strong relationships can crack, crumble and transform into something entirely new, whether it’s a young married couple (Take This Waltz) or Polley herself (Stories We Tell). And while any one of Polley’s three films could easily fit on this list, it’s her directorial debut Away From Her that leaves the biggest emotional impact. Adapted from a short story by Alice Munro, the film follows a couple when the wife (Julie Christie) begins suffering from Alzheimer’s, leaving her husband (Gordon Pinsent) and checking herself into a nursing home so he won’t have to see her deteriorate. It’s a devastating set-up made even more heart-wrenching by what follows: Christie’s character, unable to remember her husband anymore, falls in love with another man, and her true love has no option but to go along with it. The fact that Pinsent and Christie’s relationship is so romantic is what gives the film a tragic edge over other stories portraying a dissolving marriage; the only foes here are time and genetics, and Polley’s graceful yet unflinching look at how they ravage one couple’s love means romantics should avoid this film come Valentine’s Day. [C.J.]

Blue Valentine

For every instance of poetic, genuine romance in Blue Valentine, there’s a moment of crushing heartbreak. What initially starts as a boy-meets-girl love story quickly devolves into a dual-timeline that juxtaposes the highs and lows of Dean Pereira’s (Ryan Gosling) and Cynthia “Cindy” Heller’s (Michelle Williams) marriage.

What makes Blue Valentine particularly unnerving for couples is the sincerity in its depictions of the lovely highs in a relationship. It isn’t a story about people who don’t have the ability to fall in love. In fact, it’s a statement of vulnerability, and the film depicts the two leads as romantics whose relationship falls apart despite them doing everything they can to save it. It’s a film to put away on Valentine’s Day due to its brutally honest depiction of falling in and out of love. Blue Valentine is an exercise on the fragility of love best reserved for a night alone rather than a date night. [Tanner]

Fifty Shades of Grey

Some holidays (St. Patrick’s Day, New Year’s Eve) give people the excuse to go a little crazy at the bar, while Valentine’s Day give people the excuse to go a little crazy in the bedroom. With some help from Cupid, February 14th becomes a day when otherwise conservative denizens of rural America remind each other you can’t spell Boardroom Dads and Soccer Moms without BD & SM. So what better mainstream film to kick off a night of chips, dips, chains, and whips than Sam Taylor-Johnson’s Fifty Shades of Grey, adapted from the E.L. James mommy-porn novel of the same name, right? Wrong. More than anything else—more than cards, chocolates, feathers, or fuzzy handcuffs—Valentine’s Day relies on the chemistry between its lovers, and Fifty Shades of Grey is so devoid of chemistry between its leads, it might do more marital harm than good. All of the secret room shenanigans aside, Dakota Johnson (as Anastasia Steele) and Jamie Dornan (as Christian Grey) have the chemistry of two people on a bad blind date, albeit one that lasts for weeks. Despite the film’s kinky trappings, there isn’t a moment when the couple displays any sense of anything more than sharing scenes and reciting lines for 125 wasted minutes that could be better spent on the most romantic night of the year. That which was meant to spark a fire instead drenches any sense of boudoir bawdiness in the cinematic equivalent of a cold shower. [Michael]

Force Majeure

Most men like to think that in a life threatening situation, they’ll be cool-headed and strong enough to deal with it. The truth is, instinct’s a funny thing, and you simply don’t know how you’ll behave in a crisis until it actually happens—most people will run away from an explosion, while others are compelled to run towards it. In Ruben Östlund’s provocative Force Majeure, Tomas (Johannes Bah Kuhnke) flees when a controlled avalanche appears to be heading towards the hotel ski resort, leaving his wife and kids behind to fend for themselves. But the avalanche stops short of the hotel, and no-one is harmed. Tomas’s instinctive reaction has irreparable consequences on how he is perceived by his wife and children, and the rest of the movie forensically examines the fallout from his moment of cowardice.

Force Majeure is a tough takedown of masculinity. Glacial, discomforting, and insinuating, the film provokes uncomfortable questions of familial commitment and trite gender roles. Unless your relationship is on solid ground, avoid this film on Valentine’s Day. Or be sure to avoid champagne on ice, because you might end up with the bottle cracked over your head as a pre-emptive strike against future indiscretions. [Lee]

Like Crazy

The poster for this film does it a tremendous injustice, making the film seem like a sappy, romantic tale of young love. Yes, Like Crazy is driven by young love, but this love is stretched across the world and infuriatingly kept that way for most of the movie. Jacob (Anton Yelchin) and Anna (Felicity Jones) fall in love while British student Anna studies abroad in America, and she cannot resist ignoring her visa expiration for a few more months of blissful love. It’s hard to pick out exactly what it is, but this couple has an astounding quality that keeps you coming back to their side no matter what happens. But even as we are charmed by the disarming honesty of this film, we eventually realize that director Drake Doremus knows how to break our hearts as well as he knows how to make us fall in love. [Pavi]

Melancholia

Lars von Trier’s Melancholia is a great film, certainly one of the controversial filmmaker’s best and most accessible. Its accessibility is relative, though, as its bleak look at the end of the world is much more depressing than melancholic. The reason why it fits this list is the film’s first half, an extended wedding sequence between young lovers that falls apart in a swirl of depression, adultery and apocalypse. Melancholia opens their relationship with the couple having difficulty getting to the beautiful wedding location because their stretch limo can’t make the windy turns—it’s a scene that could be directly out of a silly rom-com and feels like it given the tone to come. Even without the bride’s crippling mental illness, the wedding sequence is full of wedding day nightmares, including cold and catty relatives and an overly active wedding planner. Kirsten Dunst and Alexander Skarsgård play the newlyweds fated to fail and both deliver fantastically awkward performances impossible for romance. If you haven’t seen Melancholia, you absolutely should; it’s a beautiful and dark film, but you might want to skip it with the one you love. [Aaron]

The One I Love

Looks can be deceptive. The One I Love might play like a mumblecore/Twilight Zone mash-up by way of Charlie Kaufman, but beneath its amusing, quirky surface and eccentric sci-fi twist lies a biting commentary on the fallacy of romantic idealism. Director Charlie McDowell’s debut finds a couple going through a rough patch. Punctuated by a recent incident, it’s apparent from the first scene that Sophie (Elizabeth Moss) and Ethan (Mark Duplass) are on the brink of separation. Their last-ditch solution? A getaway to a beautiful and remote location in the California countryside. The place puts a kind of spell on them at first, as they revert to the spontaneity and tenderness of their early dating days. But an unexpected turn of events forces each of them to confront the expectations they invest in one another. The fantasy of the “soul mate” or the “knight in shining armor” is approached with caution and the message ultimately concerns learning to accept your significant other, but The One I Love is hardly optimistic about the chances of that happening. For all its playfulness, the film maintains a thread of brutal honesty on the topics of trust, delusion, and disappointment that would surely spoil any date night. [Byron]

The Puffy Chair

Most rom-coms you’ll be watching this Valentine’s Day offer a neatly packaged love story between two impossibly beautiful lovers who end up falling madly in love and live happily ever after. But the Duplass’ brothers brilliant debut The Puffy Chair doesn’t play by those rules. This indie gem trades the fantasy romance stuff for a naturalistic, slice-of-life story that shows how actual relationships work (hint: most of the time they don’t). During a cross-country road trip, the relationship between Josh and Emily (played by real-life husband and wife Mark Duplass and Katie Aselton) gets put to the test. The result is a brutally honest display of the pressures of marriage, the frustrations of being under-appreciated, and the difficulties of growing apart from your partner. There’s also an excellent message in the film about how we should trust our own instincts rather than look for signs from the universe for advice. Few films offer such a genuine, unglamorous view of love and heartbreak like the one shown in The Puffy Chair. And because the finale will leave you in tears, Valentine’s Day is the only excusable day to pass on The Puffy Chair. [Dustin]

Shame

You might think that a movie about sex, starring Michael Fassbender and featuring Michael Fassbender’s penis, would be just the one for your Valentine’s date night. No one could really blame you for thinking this (regardless of whom you’re trying to woo), and for interpreting the title Shame as a sarcastic way to describe a crazy, sexy, adventure. But you’d be dead wrong (and very lonely by the end of the night). The very anti-sarcastic Steve McQueen directs Fassbender in an absolutely harrowing character study of a man dangerously addicted to sex and losing his humanity in the process. There is cinematic brilliance in terms of scene composition, performance, and story structure, but—no matter what the lead actor or the subject matter might suggest—very little actual romance.

In fact, this is the kind of movie that you watch in order to stop dating and re-evaluate your life choices when it comes to romance, sex, and/or your other half. It’s like McQueen took the dictionary definition of a dashing leading man from a generic rom-com and turned him into a complex, dark, psychological case study so as to depict the dangers of addiction. So, yeah. Happy Valentine’s! [Nik]

Sleepwalk With Me

Standup comic Mike Birbiglia’s ultra-charming debut Sleepwalk With Me may not appear to be a decidedly unromantic film from its synopsis—a semi-fictional biopic chronicling the comedian’s rise in the world of stand-up while struggling with rapid eye movement behavior disorder, a severe form of sleepwalking. At some point by the end of the story’s 2nd act, however, Sleepwalk With Me turns from a cute story about a non-committal boyfriend into an anti-romantic statement on the dangers of stasis. After moving in with his girlfriend (Lauren Ambrose) of 8 years, the fictional Mike Pandamiglio finds that the pressure around him to get married has made his sleepwalking worse. Birbiglia’s story is smarter than other films about a “good person in the wrong relationship” because it frames Mike’s girlfriend Abby as a genuinely sweet character. She’s not some shrill busybody or a stifling presence. By pushing himself outside of comfort zones, Sleepwalk With Me’s Mike is able to achieve his comedy dreams and escape a comfortable but unsatisfying relationship. [Zach]

The Squid and the Whale

There aren’t many things less romantic than divorce. The idea of dissolving a sworn and eternal bond of love and companionship is a pretty horrifying prospect for anyone. Thus, it’s probably for the best that one not punish themselves by watching Noah Baumbach’s blackly comedic semi-autobiographical film, The Squid and the Whale, this Valentine’s Day. The film, set in 1986 Brooklyn, follows two boys, Walt (played by Jesse Eisenberg in a role presumably meant to represent Baumbach himself) and Frank Berkman (Owen Kline), as they come to terms with the separation of their parents, Joan (Laura Linney) and Bernard (Jeff Daniels), both deeply self-involved writers. The most disturbing aspect of Baumbach’s film is how scarily accurate its depiction of the dysfunctional family dynamic is. But beneath the melancholic surface level subject matter of parental separation, The Squid and the Whale tackles a multitude of unsettling topics such as pseudo-intellectualism, narcissism and the ways in which one generation can have an almost effortlessly negative effect on the next. It’s a comedy so dark that many might hesitate to deem it humorous, and quite possibly the quintessential film to avoid on February 14th. [Eli]

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!

Look—there’s a small chance that you and your Valentine’s Day date could, should you choose to watch it (despite my impassioned warning not to), be romantically inspired or even turned on by Pedro Almodóvar’s Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!. I’m not here to judge anybody (you naughty, naughty bastards). But if you consider a movie about a former porn star who falls in love with her violent, psychiatric-patient kidnapper (who’s headbutted, gagged and handcuffed her and lashed her to his bed) to be perfect V-Day viewing, I’m guessing you’ve had more than your fair share of bat-shit crazy date stories. Just a hunch. I happen to love the movie (it’s harbors one of Antonio Banderas’ best performances) and even think the ending is pretty sweet, but for Valentine’s day, the rapey vibes and Stockholm-syndrome mind fuckery make it way too intense for lovebirds looking to have a romantic stay-at-home movie night. Halloween, however, is another story… [Bernard]

Let me first start out by saying that this review contains some spoilers found in The One I Love. Normally I believe spoilers shouldn’t be discussed in reviews, but in this case the “twist” is revealed almost immediately and it ends up being the main topic of the film–there wouldn’t be much to talk about without acknowledging it. Knowing this twist only takes some of the fun out of the discovery, but by no means doesn’t it ruin the experience. Having said all that, you’ve officially been warned.

In effort to save their troubled relationship Ethan (Mark Duplass) and Sophie (Elisabeth Moss) agree to go on “the perfect getaway” suggested to them by their therapist (Ted Danson). So the couple travel to a secluded vacation home for a relaxing weekend retreat. But the couple soon realize they’re getting way more than they bargained for. Not only do they discover the house has a neat little guest house, it’s what they find inside the guest house that completely baffles them.

Like something taken from a Twilight Zone episode, one of them enters the guest house to find an exact replica of the other partner. As expected, Ethan and Sophie are freaked out by this discovery at first. But once they realize that their doppelgangers are actually better versions of their partner—more charming, attractive, and fun to be around—the couple decide to spend time with their upgraded better half. Even with the proper ground rules this becomes a dangerous game because they end up falling in love with them.

Not only does The One I Love ask what qualities would you change in your partner, it also asks how you would change yourself. At one point Ethan admits that his doppelganger is about “20% cooler and 20% more emotionally involved” than he is. What’s more, he understands that he won’t ever be that perfect person. Accepting these imperfections in other people as well as yourself is the moral of the story.

The One I Love carefully avoids the trap of making sense of the metaphysics involved by telling its own characters not to question the “magic”. Ethan explains how an animal doesn’t question how electricity works, they simply embrace that lights magically turn on. The point isn’t how it works, so just roll with it. Essentially, it’s a subtle way to tell the audience not to nitpick at the logistics. Which is wise since the film leaves major questions unanswered like where did these doubles come from or how do they even exist?

Duplass and Moss do their best to portray better versions of themselves, changing their mannerisms significantly when playing their double. Sophie’s doppelganger uncharacteristically allows Ethan to eat bacon (the real Sophie would never allow for that!) and Ethan’s suddenly becomes interested in art. But unless they’re onscreen at the same time it can be difficult to visually tell which character they’re playing. Perhaps it was intentional to show only subtle alterations to their physical form, making them slightly more attractive to the other partner, but I’m not sure if it was completely necessary. The One I Love helps those who miss the tiny indicators by explicitly pointing out that Duplass looses his glasses and Moss pins her hair back when playing the doppelgangers.

The One I Love uses an innovative way to demonstrate how relationships tend to lose their spark over time. The film nearly paints itself into a corner by revealing its “twist” so early on, making the second act seem sluggish. It’s not that the story ever gets boring, but it shifts into cruise control for a while. However things start to come to live in the final act. A late film development makes it interesting again in time for a satisfying conclusion. The One I Love might not win over everyone, but Charlie McDowell demonstrates distinct talent as a young filmmaker in his feature debut.

The One I Love trailer

Something’s strange at this seemingly idyllic retreat. The grounds are beautiful, the amenities look perfect, but there’s something very weird going on in the guest house. Mark Duplass and Elisabeth Moss play a married couple seeking to feel, “renewed,” as marriage counselor Ted Danson phrases it; however, upon arriving at their getaway, the couple can’t help but be drawn to the strangeness of the house in the backyard.

Produced by the Duplass Brothers as well as Mel Eslyn, The One I Love comes from director Charlie McDowell and writer Justin Lader, both making their feature film debut here. Despite the relative inexperience of the film’s creators, The One I Love (read a brief review) nimbly incorporates its extremely unique sci-fi twist into more familiar relationship-dramatic-comedy territory. The movie’s a compelling one that keeps finding inventive ways to utilize its novel premise, examining the tribulations of committed relationships.

After premiering at the 2014 Sundance Film Festival and bouncing around the festival circuit since then (including Tribeca where I interviewed McDowell), The One I Love comes out in limited release on August 15th. Check out the intriguing trailer to one of the coolest films so far this year below:

Trailer for The One I Love

The One I Love

The One I Love is a genre-bending psychological, comedic (in some parts), dramatic romance story that follows Ethan (Mark Duplass) and Sophie (Elisabeth Moss), an unhappily married couple seeking new thrills through their couples therapy sessions. The story is well written and the film is excellently executed. Duplass exemplifies the emphatic character with his extremely likeable mannerisms and familiar character traits. The dramatic reflection of married life is well paced and had the audience emotionally invested as their story progressed. Using only one location, Duplass and Moss were able to express a very personal experience to the unlikely implications of a relaxing “weekend away” to rebuild their relationship. In the end, The One I Love is a surreal, surprising, and enjoyable fantasy version of marriage counseling.

RATING: 8.7

Little Accidents

Pinpointing the exact reason why this film is worthy of this rating is difficult, there are so many. Little Accidents is not only a beautifully shot film, but it also had the collectively incredible cast whom were unwavering in their individual performances to portray isolation, betrayal, heartache, and the wonder of the human spirit in the face of sorrow. Elizabeth Banks, Boyd Holbrook and Jacob Lofland are the films driving force and carry the weight of their character profiles extremely well. Little Accidents is a heartbreaking story of loss and the pressure of a society that has conformed to a poverty stricken way of life. The towns inhabitants work their fingers to the bone and some are at risk of life threatening conditions all to put food on their tables and a shirt on their back.

Little Accidents was shot entirely on location in West Virginia and has a very convincing authenticity about it. The grey, misty atmosphere, the natural forest backdrops and rundown neighborhoods are all suggestive that what you’re seeing is real. It’s easy that this traumatic event had a lasting effect on the town.

RATING: 8.8

The Voices

The town of Milton is home to pink overalls, pink trucks, pink forklifts, and a population of 4,000 including one disturbed young man named Jerry (Ryan Reynolds). This endearing, yet mentally unstable, factory worker initially tries his very best to blend in to society–volunteering to help organize the office party, doing his best to always wear a smile. However, as unfortunate events occur, Jerry loses his ability to lead a normal life and becomes increasingly more involved and allied to his psychosis and is unable to identify what is reality.

The Voices aims to bend the rules of the psychological comedy genre by featuring a unique storyline. Reynolds plays a fantastic l”oveable” psycho serial killer and the comedic values he brings to this film are brilliant and welcomed. The film is a tremendous accomplishment. I’m sincerely optimistic for it to have a universally enjoyed worldwide release.

RATING: 8.9

Returning to the Sundance London Film Festival this year, I’m excited to witness the big hits that Park City’s Sundance Festival brought us. Some of which are: Frank, Memphis, Fruitvale Station (UK Premiere) and Blue Ruin. Although Sundance London is still quite small, the lineup is nonetheless impressive. Some of the stars and filmmakers in attendance this year are: David Cross (Hits), Ryan Coogler (Fruitvale Station), Sara Colangelo (Little Accidents), Michael Fassbender (Frank), Ryan Reynolds and Gemma Arterton (The Voices). Below I have highlighted my 5 most anticipated films that will be playing at Sundance London 2014.

#5 – Hits

David Cross makes his directorial debut with a comedy about a paranoid municipal worker named Dave, his The Voice obsessed 19 year old daughter, a wannabe teenage rapper and their neighbours in a small, working-class town in New York. Hits is a satire towards the absurd nature of the Internet age through a collective cast of some of the funniest comedians around at the minute. I’m very optimistic about this comedy despite some of the negative feedback it received at Sundance in January.

#4 – They Came Together

After briefly hearing of this film in January, They Came Together looks to be a homage of the romantic comedies of classic American cinema. With hilarious cameos throughout, I have high hopes that David Wain (We Hot American Summer) will be able to truly capture the art of modern American Comedy.

#3 – The One I Love

Staring the director of one of my all time favourite films (Jeff Who Lives at Home), Mark Duplass plays the husband to Elizabeth Moss’s character Sophie, both of which are trying to recreate their magical first night together due to the drudgery of their current unhappy marital state. The One I Love looks to put a lot of focus on a highly relatable modern love story.

#2 – The Voices

The Voices consists of a mix match of genres including: comedy, crime, horror and thriller aspects which features the names of Ryan Reynolds, Anna Kendrick, Gemma Arterton and Jacki Weaver. Jerry (played by Reynolds) is mentally ill and has been avoiding taking is prescribed anti-psychotic medication which instigates severe hallucinations in the form of his cat telling him to be a serial killer. That’s enough synopsis to make this a most anticipated film.

#1 – Little Accidents

This debut feature by Sara Colangelo is supported by lead actors Boyd Holbrook and Sundance London alumni Jacob Lofland (Mud) and explores the intricacies of small-town social order. The film also illustrates how in times of tragedy, we find the unlikeliest of places. The main reason this film is at the top of the list is due to the uniqueness of the story. From what I can tell (without reading any spoiler reviews from Sundance in January) Little Accidents includes a superb cast who are able to carry the dramatic narrative that is suggested.