In Nothing Bad Can Happen, a “provocative” film without truly provoking, Tore (Julius Feldmeier) is a homeless teen who, in the film’s opening, gets baptized in a lake. He’s a new member of the Jesus Freaks, a group of young punks taking a more extreme approach to religion and living a life similar to Jesus. When Tore comes upon a family trying to fix their car he prays for Jesus to fix it, and miraculously the car comes back to life. Tore’s devotion intrigues the family’s patriarch Benno (Sascha Alexander Gersak), who soon shows up at a Jesus Freaks sermon.

Tore, an epileptic, has a seizure during a concert at the sermon, prompting Benno to take him back to his place. Benno takes a liking to Tore, letting him sleep in a tent outside the family’s run-down summer home despite the protests of his girlfriend Astrid (Annika Kuhl). If Benno’s satanic-looking tattoos don’t drop the hint well enough, his creepy affection toward Astrid’s 15-year-old daughter Sanny (Swantje Kohlhof) establishes something sinister going on within the family. Benno starts physically abusing Tore, and with nowhere to go (by this point the Jesus Freaks have disbanded) he stays, enduring all sorts of horrors.

Writer/director Katrin Gebbe, making her feature-length debut, appears to be going somewhere interesting the film’s first act. Her set-up of Benno & Tore’s relationship provides a lot of intrigue, especially when the abuse starts. But as the film trudges along at a pace more “slow” than “slow burn,” Gebbe shows how uninterested she is in explaining motivations (the film is “based on true events,” a statement so overused by now it has no impact whatsoever). Benno tortures Tore because he’s just evil, a piss-poor representation of humanity’s dark, nihilistic qualities, while Tore represents pure, unwavering devotion and faith.

The exploration of nihilism versus faith appears to be all Gebbe concerns herself with, as other ideas in the film are swallowed up by the brutality on display. Her themes of religion are almost identical with Lars Von Trier’s Breaking the Waves, and the film’s use of frivolous chapter titles gives a pretty damning case of it amounting to nothing more than a bad ripoff. It also shows how stale Gebbe’s approach is, going over ideas done many times over by better filmmakers.

And when Gebbe’s skills behind the camera no longer cover up her vacuous take on the subject matter, the film goes from intriguing to annoyingly offensive. Tore believes his suffering is a test by Jesus, and Gebbe turns her film into a vicious cycle of one torturous scene after another. Tore is beaten, humiliated, raped, abused and spat on (and that’s not all of it), and through it all his belief in God never wavers. Scenes meant to shock, like Astrid & Benno force-feeding Tore rotten chicken, or Benno drowning a cat while telling Tore to pray for its rescue, leave no impact at all. This is nothing more than torture porn with an arthouse sheen.

Gebbe refuses to stop, though, and by the climax her film is nothing more than pure sadism. This kind of extreme violence has been used before to better effect (Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs is a good example), but at least those films had something interesting to say. Gebbe’s boring, uninspired take on good and evil exemplifies itself when Benno stands over a bloodied, mutilated Tore. “Where is your God now?” Benno asks. “In here,” Tore says, pointing to his own heart. Nothing Bad Can Happen is a film with a simplistic, overdone message surrounded by nihilistic garbage.

Here is a quick numbers breakdown of my 2013 Cannes Film Festival coverage. I spent about 8 full days (I had two half days that I am counting as one) watching a total of 17 films (not counting the one I walked out on). So I managed to see just over two films on average a day with an average rating of 6.8 that I gave out. All in all, I saw a lot of daring films, many of which were hard to watch, but all were crafted among the best talent in cinema today. So while my ratings may seem a little on the low side, it was only because it felt appropriate to critique them on the upmost of scales considering the extraordinary stage they were presented on.

NOTE: Here is a few films that I did not get a chance to see either because of schedule conflicts or general availability of the release in the US after the festival. Some of the the following could have changed the list; Inside Llewyn Davis, Blue Is The Warmest Color, Fruitvale Station, Behind the Candelabra, The Immigrant, The Missing Picture.

My Top 10 Films from Cannes 2013:

#10 – Ain’t Them Bodies Saints

Affleck dominates the screen when he appears and makes a good case for one of his better roles as an actor. The sun-filled landscapes of Texas provides great cinematography.
Ain’t Them Bodies Saints review

#9 – The Dance of Reality

Although The Dance of Reality is a bit disorganized, the film was extremely playful and entertaining. Feels more like a theatrical play than a film.
The Dance of Reality review

#8 – Nothing Bad Can Happen

Do not be fooled by the title, enough bad and painful things happen in this film, and they will stick with you long after the film is over. Emotions are definitely evoked.
Nothing Bad Can Happen review

#7 – The Congress

Of all the films at this years Cannes Film Festival The Congress may be have the strongest and ambitious plot. The biggest downfall might be that it tried to achieve too much, a shame because it had potential to be much higher on this list.
The Congress review

#6 – As I Lay Dying

This film has to earn the most uniquely shot films of the festival. Several parts of the film are shot in split screen to show perspective and reactions of multiple characters at once. And it did it without it feeling too gimmicky!
As I Lay Dying review

#5 – Borgman

Borgman was this year’s Holy Motors or Dogtooth for Cannes, a film that cranks the bizarre factor to the max. Films that are unlike any others typically sit well with me.
Borgman review

#4 – Nebraska

There is not a whole lot that goes on in Nebraska, similar to the small towns that are featured in it, but this is a road trip/family bonding film that is extremely heartwarming and entertaining.
Nebraska review

#3 – Sarah Prefers To Run

Sarah Prefers To Run wonderfully allows the audience to make their own guesses on what results in the film because of how subtle the film handles much of what is shown. The film contains a great message of controlling your own destiny.
Sarah Prefers To Run review

#2 – The Great Beauty

The Great Beauty takes a few jabs at the current snapshot of Italian culture and does so by showcasing hilarious satire with magnificent cinematography. It ends up being a love letter to Rome, or at least the great beauty of it.
The Great Beauty review

#1 – Like Father Like Son

Like Father Like Son shows its cards nearly right away but it remains intriguing long after you think it has played its hand. It takes a rather simplistic plot and turns it into something of a complex story that explores every angle.
Like Father Like Son review

Cannes rules to live by or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the Cannes Film Festival

Learn to live and thrive on coffee; but ask for it American style unless you take actually handle the strong bitterness of espresso. Trains are an unreliable means of transportation; they are often late or sometimes may not even show up at all. Also, they do not run all night, during the week it may only be as late as ten. Most people come for the films, some just for the parties, but all for the experience. Contrary to popular believe, French hospitality is quite welcoming and patient of English speaking people; or at least they are around the festival. The crowd will clap at nearly every opportunity they can; distributor credits, closing credits, and especially the short Official Festival de Cannes video that plays before each film. Bring an umbrella because it will rain. If you forgot one, the men who were selling sun glasses on the streets will convert their business into selling umbrellas. You will find them. During the festival, Cannes is filled with the most beautiful women and handsome men in the world. No matter what color of badge you have, the morning press screenings are generally not hard to get into because the Grand Théâtre Lumière holds a couple thousand people. But the real reason may be that most are sleeping off a night of drinking and cannot drag themselves out of bed to stand in line at 7:30 in the morning. While we are at it, call the line a queue. There will be at least three walk-outs in every film. The dress apparel for press is not formal, unless you somehow get an invitation to a red carpet premiere. Wear comfortable shoes but do no flip flops! Get good at eating most of your meals on the go. Showing up at least an hour early gets you better chances of getting a seat. Talent from the film will sit in the middle aisle in a section that is usually reserved, so pick seats accordingly if you care to see and greet them. Bring a bag for water, energy bars, umbrella, and a cardigan. Outside the Palais the coffee is relatively expensive considering a badge gets you inside where it is free (sometimes even beer is an option). It is fun to explore the Palais but the men in suits that guard each hallway and entrance will determine just how far you will go (hint, it is not that far). But above all, do not forget to stop and take in the truly amazing atmosphere Cannes has to offer. Bon festival.

Cannes video intro: red carpet steps from the ocean leading up to the stars

Official Cannes logo surrounded by stars

Nothing Bad Can Happen

The opening shot of Nothing Bad Can Happen is of a young blonde teenager named Tore being “baptized” in an ocean by a local Christian activist group called the Jesus Freaks. The goal of this group of misfits is to preach the word of Jesus to people who may not like going to traditional churches. In a parking lot one day the car next theirs will not start. They offer to help by forming a prayer circle around the car and ask for Jesus’s help. Sure enough, the blessing worked and the car started right up.

Tore ends up befriending the man whose car he helped get to start and eventually moves in with the family to help with their garden. But it does not take long before things start to get hectic. Abuse, rape, and food deprivation are all on the menu here, and it is a full three meal course. But when the Jesus Freaks decide to relocation their chapter to another city, he is left with no friends (and presumably no family), thus he feels like he has no other option to stay. Besides, Tore believes this is ultimately a test of his strength from Jesus.

But the real test will be the audience’s patience for the character. By the end it becomes quite frustrating just how long Tore sticks around that dangerous house, to the point where you will likely find yourself yelling at the screen for the character to run away. Nothing Bad Can Happen is based on true events, which is perhaps why it chose not make Tore physically forced to be there. With the obvious option of leaving the house so easily available to him, it is hard to feel complete sympathy, test of strength be damned. The images you see are very powerful, hard to watch, and still stick with you for a while. Emotions will definitely be evoked, but they will not be pleasant ones. Do not be fooled by the title, a lot of bad can happen with this family.

RATING: 6.9