Valentine’s Day is coming up, and whether you’re miserable about being single or anxious about not pissing off your significant other with a bad display of affection, there are few better ways to spend the day than watching a film. And rather than go down the romantic route with our staff feature for the month, we decided to take a more cynical approach to Valentine’s Day. We asked our writers a simple question: “What’s the worst possible movie you could watch on Valentine’s Day?”

Below are our 14 picks, which range from legitimately bad attempts at romance to films so tragic and heartbreaking that watching them on a day dedicated to love makes it all the more painful. Let us know what you think of our selections, and be sure to tell us what you think people should steer clear of come the 14th.

14 Worst Films to Watch on Valentine’s Day

6 Years

Hannah Fidell’s 6 Years takes a much more realistic approach to the typical young love story. Set six years after a young couple started dating, the film chronicles Mel (Taissa Farmiga) and Dan’s (Ben Rosenfield) first significant rough patch when post-college opportunities begin to drag them in opposite directions. Naturalistic performances from Farmiga and Rosenfield make the characters of Mel and Dan come to life, and their trials and tribulations are even more tragically relatable as a result. As Mel and Dan take into account what they truly want out of life, it’s virtually impossible not to see the parallels in your own life. Even if your relationship is on the up and up, the film cuts excruciatingly deep; it’s the kind of film that will cause you to question your own relationship. Similarly, if you’re still playing the field, there are enough cute moments in 6 Years to remind you of just how single you are—and that your chance of finding “the one” is getting slimmer with every passing day. It’s a wonderful film, thick with emotion, but there are few surefire ways to ruin a Valentine’s Day than by giving this movie a spin. [Blair]

50 First Dates

This isn’t an obvious one to stay away from, what with it being a bonafide romantic comedy, so consider this a public service announcement to steer clear. The cute premise may make you think this is an acceptable option for Valentine’s Day: a womanizing veterinarian, Henry (played by Adam Sandler), meets Lucy (Drew Barrymore) in a diner. She agrees to see him again the next day in the same spot but come tomorrow she has no recollection of ever having met him. Turns out this cutie has short-term amnesia and her horrible family has been pretending it’s the same day for a year, making her none the wiser to her mental condition. Henry decides to date her anyway—weird—and eventually, her family loops her in on her mental condition. The film ends with Lucy waking up one morning to watch a video explaining that she and Henry are married and have a daughter. Where to begin? First, there’s the uncertain continuous consent in a relationship where one person has to simply accept the word of the other because they’re incapable of truly understanding what they have agreed to on a daily basis. Then, there’s the uber creepy prospect of a man who would be attracted to a woman who could never form a sincere bond with him or have shared memories. Talk about getting to play the ultimate puppeteer. In fact, almost this exact premise has been used in the psychological thriller Before I Go to Sleep with Nicole Kidman, who plays a woman with short-term memory loss who thinks her husband may be lying to her about their past. Putting aside that, as far as romantic comedies go, this one isn’t even entertaining, please have more respect for love and the sanctity of relationships this Valentine’s Day to even consider watching this truly disturbing film. [Ananda]

Away From Her

Sarah Polley has only directed three films to date, but she’s quickly established herself as a filmmaker interested in exploring how strong relationships can crack, crumble and transform into something entirely new, whether it’s a young married couple (Take This Waltz) or Polley herself (Stories We Tell). And while any one of Polley’s three films could easily fit on this list, it’s her directorial debut Away From Her that leaves the biggest emotional impact. Adapted from a short story by Alice Munro, the film follows a couple when the wife (Julie Christie) begins suffering from Alzheimer’s, leaving her husband (Gordon Pinsent) and checking herself into a nursing home so he won’t have to see her deteriorate. It’s a devastating set-up made even more heart-wrenching by what follows: Christie’s character, unable to remember her husband anymore, falls in love with another man, and her true love has no option but to go along with it. The fact that Pinsent and Christie’s relationship is so romantic is what gives the film a tragic edge over other stories portraying a dissolving marriage; the only foes here are time and genetics, and Polley’s graceful yet unflinching look at how they ravage one couple’s love means romantics should avoid this film come Valentine’s Day. [C.J.]

Blue Valentine

For every instance of poetic, genuine romance in Blue Valentine, there’s a moment of crushing heartbreak. What initially starts as a boy-meets-girl love story quickly devolves into a dual-timeline that juxtaposes the highs and lows of Dean Pereira’s (Ryan Gosling) and Cynthia “Cindy” Heller’s (Michelle Williams) marriage.

What makes Blue Valentine particularly unnerving for couples is the sincerity in its depictions of the lovely highs in a relationship. It isn’t a story about people who don’t have the ability to fall in love. In fact, it’s a statement of vulnerability, and the film depicts the two leads as romantics whose relationship falls apart despite them doing everything they can to save it. It’s a film to put away on Valentine’s Day due to its brutally honest depiction of falling in and out of love. Blue Valentine is an exercise on the fragility of love best reserved for a night alone rather than a date night. [Tanner]

Fifty Shades of Grey

Some holidays (St. Patrick’s Day, New Year’s Eve) give people the excuse to go a little crazy at the bar, while Valentine’s Day give people the excuse to go a little crazy in the bedroom. With some help from Cupid, February 14th becomes a day when otherwise conservative denizens of rural America remind each other you can’t spell Boardroom Dads and Soccer Moms without BD & SM. So what better mainstream film to kick off a night of chips, dips, chains, and whips than Sam Taylor-Johnson’s Fifty Shades of Grey, adapted from the E.L. James mommy-porn novel of the same name, right? Wrong. More than anything else—more than cards, chocolates, feathers, or fuzzy handcuffs—Valentine’s Day relies on the chemistry between its lovers, and Fifty Shades of Grey is so devoid of chemistry between its leads, it might do more marital harm than good. All of the secret room shenanigans aside, Dakota Johnson (as Anastasia Steele) and Jamie Dornan (as Christian Grey) have the chemistry of two people on a bad blind date, albeit one that lasts for weeks. Despite the film’s kinky trappings, there isn’t a moment when the couple displays any sense of anything more than sharing scenes and reciting lines for 125 wasted minutes that could be better spent on the most romantic night of the year. That which was meant to spark a fire instead drenches any sense of boudoir bawdiness in the cinematic equivalent of a cold shower. [Michael]

Force Majeure

Most men like to think that in a life threatening situation, they’ll be cool-headed and strong enough to deal with it. The truth is, instinct’s a funny thing, and you simply don’t know how you’ll behave in a crisis until it actually happens—most people will run away from an explosion, while others are compelled to run towards it. In Ruben Östlund’s provocative Force Majeure, Tomas (Johannes Bah Kuhnke) flees when a controlled avalanche appears to be heading towards the hotel ski resort, leaving his wife and kids behind to fend for themselves. But the avalanche stops short of the hotel, and no-one is harmed. Tomas’s instinctive reaction has irreparable consequences on how he is perceived by his wife and children, and the rest of the movie forensically examines the fallout from his moment of cowardice.

Force Majeure is a tough takedown of masculinity. Glacial, discomforting, and insinuating, the film provokes uncomfortable questions of familial commitment and trite gender roles. Unless your relationship is on solid ground, avoid this film on Valentine’s Day. Or be sure to avoid champagne on ice, because you might end up with the bottle cracked over your head as a pre-emptive strike against future indiscretions. [Lee]

Like Crazy

The poster for this film does it a tremendous injustice, making the film seem like a sappy, romantic tale of young love. Yes, Like Crazy is driven by young love, but this love is stretched across the world and infuriatingly kept that way for most of the movie. Jacob (Anton Yelchin) and Anna (Felicity Jones) fall in love while British student Anna studies abroad in America, and she cannot resist ignoring her visa expiration for a few more months of blissful love. It’s hard to pick out exactly what it is, but this couple has an astounding quality that keeps you coming back to their side no matter what happens. But even as we are charmed by the disarming honesty of this film, we eventually realize that director Drake Doremus knows how to break our hearts as well as he knows how to make us fall in love. [Pavi]

Melancholia

Lars von Trier’s Melancholia is a great film, certainly one of the controversial filmmaker’s best and most accessible. Its accessibility is relative, though, as its bleak look at the end of the world is much more depressing than melancholic. The reason why it fits this list is the film’s first half, an extended wedding sequence between young lovers that falls apart in a swirl of depression, adultery and apocalypse. Melancholia opens their relationship with the couple having difficulty getting to the beautiful wedding location because their stretch limo can’t make the windy turns—it’s a scene that could be directly out of a silly rom-com and feels like it given the tone to come. Even without the bride’s crippling mental illness, the wedding sequence is full of wedding day nightmares, including cold and catty relatives and an overly active wedding planner. Kirsten Dunst and Alexander Skarsgård play the newlyweds fated to fail and both deliver fantastically awkward performances impossible for romance. If you haven’t seen Melancholia, you absolutely should; it’s a beautiful and dark film, but you might want to skip it with the one you love. [Aaron]

The One I Love

Looks can be deceptive. The One I Love might play like a mumblecore/Twilight Zone mash-up by way of Charlie Kaufman, but beneath its amusing, quirky surface and eccentric sci-fi twist lies a biting commentary on the fallacy of romantic idealism. Director Charlie McDowell’s debut finds a couple going through a rough patch. Punctuated by a recent incident, it’s apparent from the first scene that Sophie (Elizabeth Moss) and Ethan (Mark Duplass) are on the brink of separation. Their last-ditch solution? A getaway to a beautiful and remote location in the California countryside. The place puts a kind of spell on them at first, as they revert to the spontaneity and tenderness of their early dating days. But an unexpected turn of events forces each of them to confront the expectations they invest in one another. The fantasy of the “soul mate” or the “knight in shining armor” is approached with caution and the message ultimately concerns learning to accept your significant other, but The One I Love is hardly optimistic about the chances of that happening. For all its playfulness, the film maintains a thread of brutal honesty on the topics of trust, delusion, and disappointment that would surely spoil any date night. [Byron]

The Puffy Chair

Most rom-coms you’ll be watching this Valentine’s Day offer a neatly packaged love story between two impossibly beautiful lovers who end up falling madly in love and live happily ever after. But the Duplass’ brothers brilliant debut The Puffy Chair doesn’t play by those rules. This indie gem trades the fantasy romance stuff for a naturalistic, slice-of-life story that shows how actual relationships work (hint: most of the time they don’t). During a cross-country road trip, the relationship between Josh and Emily (played by real-life husband and wife Mark Duplass and Katie Aselton) gets put to the test. The result is a brutally honest display of the pressures of marriage, the frustrations of being under-appreciated, and the difficulties of growing apart from your partner. There’s also an excellent message in the film about how we should trust our own instincts rather than look for signs from the universe for advice. Few films offer such a genuine, unglamorous view of love and heartbreak like the one shown in The Puffy Chair. And because the finale will leave you in tears, Valentine’s Day is the only excusable day to pass on The Puffy Chair. [Dustin]

Shame

You might think that a movie about sex, starring Michael Fassbender and featuring Michael Fassbender’s penis, would be just the one for your Valentine’s date night. No one could really blame you for thinking this (regardless of whom you’re trying to woo), and for interpreting the title Shame as a sarcastic way to describe a crazy, sexy, adventure. But you’d be dead wrong (and very lonely by the end of the night). The very anti-sarcastic Steve McQueen directs Fassbender in an absolutely harrowing character study of a man dangerously addicted to sex and losing his humanity in the process. There is cinematic brilliance in terms of scene composition, performance, and story structure, but—no matter what the lead actor or the subject matter might suggest—very little actual romance.

In fact, this is the kind of movie that you watch in order to stop dating and re-evaluate your life choices when it comes to romance, sex, and/or your other half. It’s like McQueen took the dictionary definition of a dashing leading man from a generic rom-com and turned him into a complex, dark, psychological case study so as to depict the dangers of addiction. So, yeah. Happy Valentine’s! [Nik]

Sleepwalk With Me

Standup comic Mike Birbiglia’s ultra-charming debut Sleepwalk With Me may not appear to be a decidedly unromantic film from its synopsis—a semi-fictional biopic chronicling the comedian’s rise in the world of stand-up while struggling with rapid eye movement behavior disorder, a severe form of sleepwalking. At some point by the end of the story’s 2nd act, however, Sleepwalk With Me turns from a cute story about a non-committal boyfriend into an anti-romantic statement on the dangers of stasis. After moving in with his girlfriend (Lauren Ambrose) of 8 years, the fictional Mike Pandamiglio finds that the pressure around him to get married has made his sleepwalking worse. Birbiglia’s story is smarter than other films about a “good person in the wrong relationship” because it frames Mike’s girlfriend Abby as a genuinely sweet character. She’s not some shrill busybody or a stifling presence. By pushing himself outside of comfort zones, Sleepwalk With Me’s Mike is able to achieve his comedy dreams and escape a comfortable but unsatisfying relationship. [Zach]

The Squid and the Whale

There aren’t many things less romantic than divorce. The idea of dissolving a sworn and eternal bond of love and companionship is a pretty horrifying prospect for anyone. Thus, it’s probably for the best that one not punish themselves by watching Noah Baumbach’s blackly comedic semi-autobiographical film, The Squid and the Whale, this Valentine’s Day. The film, set in 1986 Brooklyn, follows two boys, Walt (played by Jesse Eisenberg in a role presumably meant to represent Baumbach himself) and Frank Berkman (Owen Kline), as they come to terms with the separation of their parents, Joan (Laura Linney) and Bernard (Jeff Daniels), both deeply self-involved writers. The most disturbing aspect of Baumbach’s film is how scarily accurate its depiction of the dysfunctional family dynamic is. But beneath the melancholic surface level subject matter of parental separation, The Squid and the Whale tackles a multitude of unsettling topics such as pseudo-intellectualism, narcissism and the ways in which one generation can have an almost effortlessly negative effect on the next. It’s a comedy so dark that many might hesitate to deem it humorous, and quite possibly the quintessential film to avoid on February 14th. [Eli]

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!

Look—there’s a small chance that you and your Valentine’s Day date could, should you choose to watch it (despite my impassioned warning not to), be romantically inspired or even turned on by Pedro Almodóvar’s Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!. I’m not here to judge anybody (you naughty, naughty bastards). But if you consider a movie about a former porn star who falls in love with her violent, psychiatric-patient kidnapper (who’s headbutted, gagged and handcuffed her and lashed her to his bed) to be perfect V-Day viewing, I’m guessing you’ve had more than your fair share of bat-shit crazy date stories. Just a hunch. I happen to love the movie (it’s harbors one of Antonio Banderas’ best performances) and even think the ending is pretty sweet, but for Valentine’s day, the rapey vibes and Stockholm-syndrome mind fuckery make it way too intense for lovebirds looking to have a romantic stay-at-home movie night. Halloween, however, is another story… [Bernard]

There isn’t any reason to go out to the theater this weekend, right? Sure, Avengers: Age of Ultron is out and it’s going to be a huge hit and you’ll probably see it, but why make the trek out this weekend with the full theaters, obnoxious theatergoers and risks of being sold out? We all know Age of Ultron will still be around in a few weeks—and, hey, maybe you can use a free pass to see it then instead. Besides, there are plenty of great movies and television shows you can watch this weekend from the comfort of your own home. Check out the newest films to hit Netflix, Fandor and other streaming services below!

Netflix

Bluebird (Lance Edmands, 2013)

Set in a quiet, dreary Maine logging town, Bluebird is about the effects of a tragic event on a community. The film stars Chicago stage actress Amy Morton (who you probably recognize as the mom from Rookie of the Year) as a school bus driver whose possible negligence leads to the death of a young child. Like the film in whole, she gives an understated and powerful performance. First-time filmmaker Lance Edmands, who has worked primarily as an editor, shows an uncanny emotional maturity by never going for over-the-top moments, instead letting the melancholy environment and characters set the film’s tone. The cast is rounded out by an excellent cast, including John Slattery, Margo Martindale and Adam Driver. We saw Bluebird during its limited release earlier this year and thought it found “the right balance between atmospheric undertones and understated storytelling”. It is basically the perfect counter-programming to the big scale loud action film everyone else will be watching this weekend.

Other titles new to Netflix this week:
Chef’s Table (Series)
Legally Blonde (Robert Luketic, 2001)
National Treasure (Jon Turteltaub, 2004)
Watchers of the Sky (Edet Belzberg, 2014)

Amazon Prime

Fifty Shades of Grey (Sam Taylor-Johnson, 2015)

Or perhaps instead of venturing out to the theater to see the biggest film of you year, you can catch up with the first big hit of the year. Perhaps you were interested (or should I say “curious?”) to see this steamy adaptation of E.L. James’s veiled Twilight fanfic, but were terrified to see if with, you know, other people around. Well, now you have the chance buy Fifty Shades of Grey on Amazon Prime before it comes to DVD and Blu-ray. They also have an “unrated versions” available – it’s three minutes longer than the theatrical version, so I bet those are three really sexy minutes. In all seriousness, Amazon Prime and Video On-Demand have began offering some films for purchase before they are released on DVD or can be seen elsewhere. This could be an exciting venture for the ever-growing reach of streaming services.

Other titles new to Amazon Prime this week:
Big Trouble in Little China (John Carpenter, 1986)
Let’s Kill Ward’s Wife (Scott Foley, 2014)
The Professional (Luc Besson, 1994)
Ravenous (Antonia Bird, 1999)

Fandor

8 1/2 (Federico Fellini, 1963)

This week’s collection on Fandor highlights the great Italian actor Marcello Mastroianni with some of his most famous films and best performances. Included is perhaps his best work with his closest collaborator, Federico Fellini. 8 1/2 is among the wildest, funniest and most complicated films ever made about filmmaking. Mastroianni plays Guido Anselmi, a celebrated film director who struggles through his latest project while escaping into his crazy, sexy fantasies. It is probably the most Fellini film made by Fellini, highlighting his best dramatic and most bawdy elements. The film wouldn’t work without Mastroianni, though – watching his particular sense of cool being upended is fantastically enjoyable. Featuring iconic scene after iconic scene, all with Fellini’s creative world and character building, 8 1/2 is rightly considered one of cinema’s all time greats. But remember: as with all Fandor collection films, it is only available until the following Sunday!

Other titles new to Fandor this week:
Divorce Italian Style (Pietro Germi, 1961)
The Entire History of the Louisiana Purchase (Joshua Oppenheimer, 1998)
La Notte (Michelangelo Antonioni, 1961)
Tokyo Playboy Club (Yôsuke Okuda, 2011)

Video On-Demand

Paddington (Paul King, 2014)

The most surprisingly enjoyable children’s film since 2011’s adaptation of Winnie the Pooh, Paddington is much more charming and fun than expected. Based on the beloved literary character, the film involves a talking bear cub who leaves his South American home in search of the British explorer who befriended his aunt and uncle years before. Without much of a guide, he ends up at Paddington Station in London and meets a family willing to take him in temporarily. Like Winnie the Pooh, Paddington works because it doesn’t reach into the new trend of children’s films that have become increasingly loud and broad. It is a pretty simple movie, with a bit of action, but mostly laid back and warm. Ben Whishaw is a perfect voice for the curious bear, while live-action actors Hugh Bonneville and Sally Hawkins are as wonderful as ever. Even if you don’t have kids yourself, Paddington is worth a look.

Other titles new to VOD this week:
Adult Beginners (Ross Katz, 2004)
The Boy Next Door (Rob Cohen, 2015)
The Gambler (Rupert Wyatt, 2014)
Ride (Helen Hunt, 2014)

This week’s news cycle was dominated by the #Oscars, with the ramp up to the post-show giving us all plenty to read. The morning after the ceremony is always one of my favorite days, with all the opinions on what went right, what went wrong and what got weird.

On The Fence About Neil Patrick Harris

There are two wonderful hot takes from Slate this morning. The first is a biting take-down of host Neil Patrick Harris. Personally, many felt that Harris was more adequate than bad, though the expectations that the ceremony needs to be a comedy show doesn’t help. Finding the perfect Oscar host is basically impossible—or, at least, the nature of what the host is expected to do and is able to do isn’t always going to line up. It’s understandable that people expected a little more out of NPH, with his experience hosting other award shows. See our reactions and our favorite moments from the 2015 Oscars.

Biggest Mistake By The Academy In 20 Years?

Slate’s Oscar opinion slams the Academy for its failing to recognize Boyhood as the best picture of the year. Writer Dan Kois thinks Boyhood should have won, and we also have the feeling that in 20 years this decision will look more glaring, but picking Birdman is no great tragedy. He notes that this is the worst mistake the Academy has made in 20 years, but doesn’t even mention Crash, which is already considered a huge misstep.

Independent Spirit Awards

If the Independent Spirit Awards are more your style, Way Too Indie has you covered with the full list of winners, all of the night’s acceptance speeches, and a list of the 7 best moments of the evening. Boyhood received a little more recognition at the Spirit Awards than it did from the Oscars, as Richard Linklater won for Best Director, but strangely wasn’t in attendance to accept the award. Though it was Birdman that flew away with the top prize at the indie awards show as well.

Kristen Bell & Fred Armisen hosted the Independent Spirit Awards

Fifty Shades of Grey Continues To Dominate

Fifty Shades of Grey was #1 at the box office again this weekend bringing in an additional estimated $23 million. From The Telegraph, here is a bizarre story of three women who were arrested after allegedly attacking a man during a screening in Scotland when he asked them to quiet down.

Scream Factory & IFC Midnight Team Up

One awesome bit of news you may have missed last week was the exclusive home media deal between Scream Factory and IFC Midnight. As reported by Fangoria, the new partnership will begin with a special edition Blu-ray of Way Too Indie favorite The Babadook this upcoming April. We’re long time fans of what Scream Factory has put out—even when the films aren’t particularly appealing—as they have always do a superb job of restoring older genre films and always add excellent special features. The upcoming Babadook features Jennifer Kent’s short film Monster and Deleted Scenes that will be exclusive to the Special Collector’s Edition.

Mo’Nique Talks About Being Blackballed From Hollywood

Last week actress Mo’Nique spoke out about her disappearance from Hollywood after her Oscar win in 2010. The Hollywood Reporter interviewed the comedian and actress, covering her perspective of being blackballed by Hollywood following a rocky relationship with filmmaker Lee Daniels. Though the situation is obviously headline-grabbing, there is a plenty else in the interview of worth, including Mo’Nique’s spiritual connection with Hattie McDaniel, as well as a first-hand look into the Oscar campaign season.

Trailer of the Week: Welcome to Me

Kristen Wiig’s next project, Welcome to Me, looks so weird and charming, just like its star. Wiig plays Alice Klieg, a troubled young woman who wins the lottery. She decides to spend her winnings in inspired ways, including creating her own talk show that seems to break every formula of the business. Welcome to Me premiered at TIFF to strong reviews and will have a limited release on May 1st. Check out the trailer below:

There have been plenty of early reviews around Fifty Shades of Grey, and strangely, while most do focus on its many failings, most critics’ main complaints are around it being less than they expected. Less kinky. Less shocking. Less sexy. Less romantic. That in the end it just doesn’t live up to the hype. I don’t think any of these reviewers saw this film in a packed theater on opening night. I did, and let’s just say there was no doubt in my mind the satisfaction of that first audience when the credits rolled. The book-readers’ pleasure renewed and everyone’s imaginations sparked. Don’t let anyone tell you this film is lacking in sex.

And I’m not saying that’s a good thing. If there’s anything we know from film, there’s no accounting for taste. The “Fifty Shades” book trilogy started as a work of “Twilight” fan fiction and watching its film version one can’t help but recall Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan when watching Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele. One Direction put it best, they don’t know they’re beautiful, and that’s what makes them beautiful. Sam Taylor-Johnson has directed a film that will undoubtedly earn her plenty of revenue, maybe a little street cred, and that at the very least she doesn’t have to take credit for writing.

Ana, a soon-to-be college graduate with a degree in English Literature, agrees to cover for her sick roommate (Eloise Mumford) by performing an interview with big-shot business mogul Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) for their school’s paper. Her lacking interview skills aside, Grey takes an interest in her after only the vaguest of interactions. She’s not afraid to point out his mysteriousness and draw some highly assumptive conclusions about his motivations in business. Most men—most people, really—would be offended, Grey is intrigued.

So he stalks her, showing up at the hardware store where she works, buying your basic everyday bondage items. Ana points out his preparedness for a career as a serial killer. (At least screenwriter Kelly Marcel sees the inherent humor in E.L. James’ novel, and I’ll give her plenty of credit for adapting as her only other script, Saving Mr. Banks, probably didn’t prepare her for this level of soft-core porn.)

Eventually Edward, erm, Christian attempts a date with Ana only to immediately tell her how wrong he is for her. He then sends mixed signals by gifting a few first edition books. So she does what any normal 21-year-old girl would do. She drunk dials him. Happy for an excuse to be authoritative, Christian swoops in just in time to hold her hair back as she vomits onto the sidewalk. True love, indeed. He puts her to bed in his hotel, teases her in the morning by taking his shirt off, and then sweeps her off to Seattle to see his pad.

And here’s where we really start to see the issues with this relationship (if you’re even looking for issues, and most viewers won’t be.) Christian is insanely wealthy, his shiny marble apartment in the grey sky of Seattle (ahem, Vancouver, come on Hollywood we know the difference by now) attesting to his power. Ana in contrast is a recent graduate, with hardly an entry-level job to her name. Their difference in social levels, and Ana’s obvious awe of Christian, already make him rather predatory. When he starts buying her computers, clothes, and even a car, he’s basically buying her loyalty.

But I get ahead of myself. First, Christian reveals to Ana that he has “singular” tastes, which we all know by now refers to his penchant to act the part of a dominant over a submissive in the bedroom. But, to Ana’s dismay, this is the only sort of relationship he allows himself to enter into at all. And it’s by the book, complete with contract. He proposes that Ana become his submissive, and when she meekly admits she’s not sure what she even wants in the bedroom having never done the deed, he promptly “rectifies the situation.”

This film isn’t about romance—though, I’m not convinced that’s really why anyone reads these books or sees this movie—despite all of Ana’s attempts to “fix” Christian and turn him into a man capable of a real relationship. What’s more is that as often as he says he’s incapable of romance and emotional intimacy, Christian acts the part of boyfriend, right down to family introductions and sweeping gestures. Which is confusing, manipulative, and ultimately dangerous.

So here we get down to it. Is Fifty Shades of Grey a film endorsing abuse? Of the physical or sexual variety? Not exactly. What happens between consenting adults for their mutual pleasure can’t technically be construed as abuse. No, Fifty Shades of Grey is a film of psychological abuse and male entitlement. Ana is a woman of no experience, and very little discernment, often misconstruing or being downright oblivious to the advances of men around her. This is a weakness, and one that Christian exploits, finding her to be the kind of woman “needing” his protection. When she shows any sort of retaliation or points out his obsessive behavior he tantalizes her with sex and attention. No man could be unaware of the emotional effect of such behavior. His need to own her is all too perfect an example of male privilege, and her sexual weaknesses make her a victim to his whims. Where it gets extra messed up though, is when Christian allows Ana to try to act as therapist and pay the price for his deep-set emotional problems. It’s there that he is absolutely no better than a physically abusive drunkard hitting his spouse as replacement for seeking help.

All I can hope for is that anyone reading the book series or watching this film looking for an example of a healthy relationship realizes the delusion of such thinking. And that every viewer/reader seeking sexual excitement recognizes the absolute fantasy inherent.

Casting Christian Grey was never going to be difficult. Any able-bodied male actor has it in them to play overbearing and successful. So really, it boils down to his body. And that, I can report, does not disappoint. More surprising is that Dakota Johnson actually manages to be exactly the Anastasia Steele written on the page—thankfully minus her internal dialogue and incessant use of the verbiage “inner goddess”—all the way up to her utter un-believability as a real person. Not going to lie, imagining anyone who actually bites their lower lip as often as Ana does is rather difficult, but Dakota Johnson does it with all the adorability E.L. James hoped for. But a woman who is oblivious to her own beauty, her own desirability, and who thinks she can negotiate a man into loving her by meeting him half-way in his BDSM fantasies? No, that woman is just as much an illusion as Christian.

The film is pretty and just extravagant enough to impress. The stormy skies not-so-subtly hinting at Ana’s tempestuous situation. I predict that soundtrack getting A LOT of play this Valentine’s day—it’s well curated and sexy as hell. Seeing Danny Elfman’s name on-screen for music didn’t surprise me in the least, dark and kinky is right up his alley. The supporting cast soften the film adding to the romantic appearance, especially the mothers (Marcia Gay Harden and Jennifer Ehle), who smile approvingly at every interaction.

There may be a few people who wander into Fifty Shades of Grey and find themselves in for more than they bargained. And there will probably even be a lot of viewers who go in decidedly expectant to view a laughable cult film phenom, and they may find themselves slightly more charmed than they expected. But the majority of those who will throw their money at this film (probably more than once) are those who are either hoping for a true adaptation of the book or who didn’t read it but still want to indulge, and they won’t be disappointed. You either choose to see it for what it is, or enjoy the fantasy disguise it wears well.

Clearly we’re showing some slight disdain for this week’s release of Fifty Shades of Grey by blatantly loving any parody ripping on it. But never before has any book or film so blatantly asked for it, (and we don’t mean in a kinky, tied-up sort of way).

If you liked the Lego version, get ready for everyone’s favorite bug-eyed badass in the role of Christian Grey, Steve Buscemi. Turns out this film could get weirder, kinkier, and most definitely more humorous. If only…

Legos are clearly Awesome and Antonio Toscano’s YouTube channel has been proving the Lego version of our favorite trailers only makes them that much cooler. Now with his latest, a lego version of Fifty Shades of Grey we finally have a version that doesn’t make us feel quite so dirty watching it. Who knew a Lego with a six pack could seem so hilariously enticing?

Though we will say, hearing the ridiculous dialogue of the film played out by small yellow toys really does emphasize just how silly the film is likely to be. It’s one thing for a beautiful actress to pretend she’s insecure enough to be dominated by a powerful man, but proven improbable and downright creepy when a straight-faced toy makes such claims. Girls who imagined ridiculous scenarios for their Barbie dolls as children will feel rather nostalgic watching this one.

Can’t bring yourself to see the film opening next Friday? Feeling a little guilty watching the trailer secretly at work? Finally here’s a version you can safely share around the office.