The story of Moses liberating his people from the oppressive Ramses and leading them out of Egypt to freedom is arguably one of the most famous, familiar stories of all time. It’s been told who-knows-how-many times in every medium there is, with movies being no exception (there have been at least a dozen screen adaptations). What is the purpose, then, of Ridley Scott bringing the burning bush, the plagues, and the parting of the Red Sea back to the big screen in Exodus: Gods and Kings? Does he bring anything new to the table?

Exodus‘ biggest selling point, without question, is the deluge of digital effects you’d naturally expect from a big-budget biblical epic in 2014. Never have the Plagues of Egypt looked so dazzling: millions of frogs hop and tumble over each other in the moonlight; swarms of locusts and flies are nightmarish and gross; rivers of blood look really, really…um, red. Honestly, the visuals are staggering, and the bravura plague scenes are totally convincing (especially the frogs–yuck). But it doesn’t really matter because the rest of the movie, the vessel that ferries all the CGI extravagance, is so hole-y (see what I did there?) that it sinks before the visuals can make a real impression. Scott’s retelling of the classic story simply doesn’t work, and unfortunately for the talented effects teams, it’s the difference between the film being spectacular-looking, and the film being merely expensive-looking.

The problems begin with the film’s most egregious failure, the borderline offensive casting of white people with bad spray tans as Egyptians. (I say borderline because I’ve been so numbed to these kinds of injustices by Hollywood that all I can do now is chuckle as a single tear runs down my cheek.) Christian Bale plays Moses, who was raised as a brother to the petulant, preening Ramses (Joel Edgerton), Egypt’s oppressive Pharaoh. They speak to each other in vaguely British accents because…why the hell not? Ramses’ father is played by John Turturro, and his mother is played by Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney freaking Weaver. And she speaks with an American accent. Wonderful.

To be fair, the blow is softened because the actors do a solid job with what they’re given here. Bale and Edgerton have a dynamic rapport, volleying chest-puffing machismo and brotherly empathy with equal intensity and fire. Bale’s Moses is, by and large, the same shepherding, wise, long-haired Jew Charlton Heston’s was, though Heston’s brio is replaced by Bale’s signature brooding and weariness. It’s one of Bale’s more rigid performances, and he perhaps shows too much restraint. Scott claims that if he had cast an actor named “Mohammed so-and-so” (his words, not mine) in the lead role, the film would have never been financed. Sad thing is, I believe him. If he was forced to plug white men into the lead roles, Bale and Edgerton were good choices. Still, it doesn’t make the white-centric casting any less wrong.

All that aside, the fundamental issue with the script is that it feels emotionally disengaged. When Moses is exiled by Ramses and finds the love of his life (María Valverde) in a small peasant village, we hardly see the couple interact. They meet and, in a blink, they’re married with child. More screen time between Bale and Valverde would have been welcome (they’re sweet together) but…dammit! We’ve got a sea to part! No time for silly things like love and tenderness! Move along, move along. That’s the thing: every time the film begins to reveal a bit of humanity in its characters, we get ripped away by the plot’s current.

The way Scott portrays Moses’ conversations with God is unique, and one of the more compelling things Exodus has going for it. God is embodied by a mischievous British preteen (Isaac Andrews) who antagonizes Moses with cryptic messages, insults, and nasty snarls. These exchanges are shot in a queasy, fever-dream haze and benefit from Scott’s acuity for existential sci-fi. To portray God as an irritable child is fascinating to me, but it’ll probably ruffle the feathers of folks dedicated to 1-for-1 bible literalness. It’s a bold move, and a good one artistically.

The Red Sea isn’t cleaved in the same way it always has been in every previous Moses movie; here, the water is displaced in a more spherical shape, like God sticks his giant thumb down into the seabed and then removes it, causing the water to rush back to the center. Other than mild deviations from scripture like this, Exodus is mostly concerned with going through the biblical motions and battering us with extravagant set pieces that, while impressive looking, aren’t supported by enough character work to be stirring. Scott probably fancies his film an insightful, radical play on the classic liberation tale, but it winds up feeling pretty unnecessary and trite, though you’ll still be wowed by the light show.

Let’s talk about FOMO.

You know what I’m talking about. That feeling you get when a friend posts online that they just saw the film you’ve read about for months and haven’t seen yet. It’s avoiding social media the entire weekend a new movie opens for fear of spoilers. It’s knowing that awards season is just around the bend and there’s more films to be seen than time to see them in. It’s Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and in some way, shape, or form it’s been eating at you for months during the busy-ness of fall. But the light at the end of the tunnel has arrived: the Holidays.

Full, work-free days where you are practically mandated to eat a lot of food and catch up on movies. But unless you’re in college, you don’t have ALL the time in the world, so here’s your Holiday Movie Preview, just in time to help you figure out what’s coming out so you know where best to put your energy. You may return to work from the holidays 5 pounds heavier, but you’ll ace any water cooler movie pop-quizzes.

Must-Sees

Mockingjay: Part 1

It’s the beginning of the end for what is arguably the best YA film adaptation series of all time. Of course you’ll feel incomplete having to wait a year for Part 2, but this will be the one all your friends are talking about. (11/20)

The Imitation Game

The Oscar buzz around Benedict Cumberbatch will make this one worth being able to talk about. (11/27)

The Babadook

Perfect for those who like balancing savory and sweet, family time and fright time. Nothing makes you more grateful for family than a horror film about a mother and her son fighting to reconnect as they are haunted by a kid’s book character. (11/28, limited)

Wild

Skip the book, see the movie, bring tissues. Reese Witherspoon is phenomenal in the film, and Laura Dern adds emotional veracity. (12/4)

Still Alice

It’s been a slow year for decent female-led films. Julianne Moore has been building buzz around her role as a woman who discovers she has early-onset alzheimers. (12/5, limited)

Top Five

Animated films and Grown Ups movies aside, Chris Rock hasn’t been on our radar for a while, but when Top Five debuted at TIFF this year it was immediately what everyone was talking about. Chris Rock taps his best stand-up while exploring being black and famous. (12/11)

Exodus: Gods and Kings

If you’re over Middle Earth but still want some big screen epic action (with Christian Bale no less), this film’s got your back. And if it means Ridley Scott is getting back to Gladiator-level awesomeness, it should be a satisfying watch. (12/11)

Inherent Vice

The loopy, cool movie you’re film-geek friends will want to discuss. With a bit more humor than his usual, Paul Thomas Anderson weaves a groovy stoner-style mystery starring Joaquin Phoenix. (12/12, limited)

Mr. Turner

A British biopic of the eccentric painter J.M.W. Turner. Timothy Spall will be among award contenders playing the impassioned artist in director Mike Leigh’s latest. (12/18)

Big Eyes

This one might be iffy as the historical art drama hasn’t garnered a whole lot of accolade as of yet, but we’re willing to take a bet on Tim Burton, Christoph Waltz and Amy Adams almost any day. (12/24)

Unbroken

Angelina Jolie’s inspiration tale of war hero Louis “Louie” Zamperini (Jack O’Connell,) who was taken as a prisoner-of-war in WWII after surviving in a raft for a month and a half. Take Grandma, it’s almost guaranteed to be the inspirational tale of the year. (12/24)

The Interview

Intriguing due to the controversy around it and Kim Jong-Un’s apparent hatred for it. Basically after seeing Rogan and Franco in This Is the End we’re betting this could be just as hilarious. A good one to catch with friends once the family has cleared out. (12/25)

American Sniper

It’s not a true end of the year awards race without an entry from Clint Eastwood. Starring Bradley Cooper as America’s best sniper, coping with life in war, and outside of it. (12/25, limited)

Selma

If you live near a city you’ll likely be able to see this one before it goes nationwide in January, marking the 50th anniversary of the organization of the march from Selma to Montgomery, a turning point in the American Civil Rights movement. Critical consensus thus far is that director Ava DuVernay makes a name for herself with this timely historical drama. (12/25, limited)

A Most Violent Year

Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain are the new wave of hollywood elite, of the DeNiro and Streep variety. It’s a crime-thriller set in dirty 1981 NYC where an immigrant family attempts to capitalize on the American Dream. Might be the perfect grit to go with all that dessert you’ve been eating. (12/31)

Leviathan

Alright, this is for the arthouse families willing to find small theaters and in the mood for a more serious foreign film. But this drama around a family in a small fishing town has garnered serious praise thus far. (12/31, limited)

With the Family

Family-safe for when the small-talk AND the food has run out.

Penguins of Madagascar

The other Benedict Cumberbatch movie opening Thanksgiving week, and while this franchise seems overdone, from what we saw at Comic-Con it’s quite clever. Take your little sister. She’ll love you. (11/25)

The Hobbit: The Battle of The Five Armies

For the family member obsessed with Tolkien, or for those who always finish a book even if they don’t like it. At least you’ll feel you got closure by watching this last installment in Peter Jackson’s Hobbit series. (12/16)

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

It’s the third in the franchise, so no guarantees on quality. But the gang’s all back, Stiller, Wilson, Gervais, and even Robin Williams. Might be nice to see just to see the latter one more time. (12/18)

Annie

Understand that we’re only trying to give you options that the whole family might enjoy. But as a musical re-make of an already cutesy film, we make no promises. Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz, and Rose Byrne lead the family friendly foray. (12/19)

Into The Woods

A film version of Sondheim’s musical of fairy tale characters with real world problems sounds great. With Disney behind it, we worry they may soften it a bit. Either way it’s got an all-star cast including Meryl Streep, Johnny Depp, Emily Blunt, Anna Kendrick, and Chris Pine. (12/24)

Skip ‘Em

Trust us, these ones are likely not to be worth your precious time.

VHS: Viral (11/21)

Horrible Bosses 2 (11/25)

Extraterrestrial (11/28)

The Gambler (12/19)

The Mule (12/28)

Dying of the Light (12/5)

Christian Bale‘s Moses calls down a world of hurt for Joel Edgerton‘s Rhamses in the freshly released trailer for Ridley Scott‘s new biblical epic Exodus: Gods and Kings.With plenty of graphic effect, the plagues have never looked so threatening and we’re treated to previews of hail, blood red rivers, and even the parting of the Red Sea itself.

The trailer focuses on Moses and Rhamses, but we got a glimpse of Sigourney Weaver as Tuya, Rhamses mother, with plenty of Egyptian eyeliner. The film also stars Aaron Paul, Ben Kingsley, John Turturro, and Indira Varma.

We’re excited to see Scott back in his comfortable domain of historical drama, sword-and-sandal being one he’s especially good at. As long as the film stays on the Gladiator end of the spectrum and less of the Kingdom of Heaven side, we anticipate a thoroughly enjoyable and larger than life experience.

The film comes out December 12th of this year.